Fist!!! Monthly!!! Special Edition Dammit!!! Interview with the Most Magnificent of Bastards, Zabgoth!!!
***Welcome to the Special Edition of Fist!!! Monthly!!!. the following are one quote of someone else that Zabgoth likes and a direct quote from himself!!!***
"Cybertron and all it's moons belong to me" (Galvatron, Transformers the Movie) "Where Zabgoth walks, Zabgoth walks alone. Stay out of his way. Should you see Zabgoth coming you should cower in the abject fear that he projects upon your pitiful self. Do not try to ascertain what thoughts fester in Zabgoths head, for Zabgoth answers to no man. Though it is said no man is an island, Zabgoth is not a man, but a Demi-God!!!" (Straight from the mouth of the Furious One!!!)
(These quotes will bring terror and destruction within your lives. Embrace them and Cherish them fools!!!)
Greetings from the Dark Recesses of the Soul. I have finally managed to drug Zabgoth enough to make him stay in one place. Following is an interview with that wacky mother-fucker.
THE VIZIER: How was Zabgoth created?
ZABGOTH: Many years before Christ was born the universe was plagued with overwhelming evil, this evil was expunged in a giant defication later known as Zabgoth. It was a turd wrapped in leather.
VIZ: .........ok. I see. So....What is the power behind..."The Mantle"?
ZAB: Ahhh...you mean the trenchcoat. It is the only coat that i have worn in my history that is able to contain the evil that is Zabgoth. So much so it has become a repository of a good portion of my power.
VIZ: What would happen if someone were to steal "The Mantle"?
ZAB: Either they would be driven insane from it's maddening qualities, or should this person have strong enough will to stand it, then they would become Zabgoth and thier personality would be destroyed. Basically a new host.
VIZ: I see. So If i were to steal it and be able to with stand it.....I would become you..rather you would become me?
ZAB: All would be Zabgoth!!!
VIZ: ok. What is this "Chariot" you have? what are the powers that it holds?
ZAB: Do you refer to the Brown Doored Shit Car, the good ship Lavos, or The Storm Cutter Mustang?
VIZ: The most current, the Storm Cutter Mustang. ZAB: Ahh yes. It has served me well. After the demise of the Brown Doored Car, the Storm Cutter from this hosts brother. It is a straight 6 engine 82 Mustang. One would think it is imortal as I. It cannot be stopped by conventional means. It has a cracked block, and a null window.
VIZ: This being the most evil of windows you and i created from anti-matter?
ZAB: Indeed. It was forged by my paws of dark-matter. Using the forge of that is my own black heart, the cold fire has solidified it into a material that is found no where on this Earth.
VIZ: Yes...it does seem to absorb light and maybe...regenerate the car?
ZAB: Indeed not!!! It merely enhances a dormant evil that was already there. I blame Ford Motor Company, as they have encased a demon within my engine, and the crack in the block lets his influence be felt.
VIZ: Oh....that was the dizziness i felt...i thought that was the fumes coming from the hole in the floorboards.
ZAB: Who do you think put the hole there!!!
VIZ: Back to the questions Dammit!!! (At this point i felt a sharp pain in my head as Zabgoth laughed maniacally as his eyes glowed red....i woke three hours later. And Zabgoth blew a yule log through my toilet.....i am sad.)
ZAB: Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...To much Rice Krispies and Vodka.
VIZ: ouch......my fucking mind hurts.
ZAB: Indeed. Though it is nothing in comparison to what your porcelin throne has suffered.
VIZ: sigh.....anyways. Whence did the idea for the Cult of the Fist come about?
ZAB: I noticed that many other deites had worship organized around them. I figured it was a happening thing.
VIZ: hmmm.....this is most interesting....any other words of wisdom?
ZAB: FIGHT THE HORSE!!!
VIZ: heh heh...Rock the Drag....GOOOOOHAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!! (At this point i saw a waffle headed hammer come at my head at high speed. It struck me between the eyes.....and i lost another hour. He is a slippery bastard. I awoke to find Zabgoth chopping a large hole in my floor. )
VIZ: ack...what the hell are you doing?
ZAB: Preparing a fire pit for the sacrafice.
VIZ: Sacrifice? what sacrifice?
ZAB: I gotta greased up virgin in the basement.
VIZ:................who are you sacrifing her to?
VIZ: But a virgin's a terrible thing to waste.
ZAB: hmmmmm.....since i am sacrificing her to myself, i'll have to fix that problem. (At which point Zabgoth rushed to the basement and was not seen again for two hours. I did hear muffled screams of joy though.......and not just Zabgoths) (Once the Bastard returned he was followed by a red-skinned woman with large horns protruding from her forhead.....this didn't seem to shock me for some reason. He quickly downed a whole bottle of Jack Daniel's and was wearing nothing but cut-offs and a sailors hat)
ZAB: Viz, this is a Succubus. Turns out it really wasn't a virgin at all. But a care package from hell. Satan keeps trying to get me to come back to work....but i am a free agent.
VIZ: How did i ever get mixed up in this madness?
ZAB: I wished it.
VIZ: well....i have one more question....what are your future plans for the Cult and yourself?
ZAB: Much of the same. However, i have found a like minded Cult and they wish to take over a company run by some truly ignorant humans. I believe it to be called Hasbro. Sounds like a good way to waste a few years. And i get to hang out with a few like-minded lunatics.
VIZ: Well, i thank you for the time. and the pain.
ZAB: Wear it like a badge of honor. (Before the interview ended Zabgoth gave me a good smiting by way of many blunt objects. They let me out of the Hospital two days ago. And there was Zabgoth out front waiting in the Storm Cutter. I hung my head low and realized my fate. I am chosen by the most Magnificent of Fucking Bastards in the goddamn Universe. Chosen.....and Cursed.)
ZAB: Hurry up dammit. or your riding in the trunk. (I realized his trunk was a hatchback and noticed a pile of bones and skulls right next to his tire iron.....previous Viziers??? I ran to the car despite the pain)
ZAB: Yeah.....i'm selling that stuff on E-Bay.